Win Them Over With the Most Surprising Communication Technique

Kethyr's CAMEL Report
Mountain View, California
Sunday, February 1, 2009

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People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
— Anonymous

Here's a powerful, proven communication technique that's not about speaking. In fact, it's about… not speaking. It's about the misunderstood, too-often ignored art of listening. Wait! I know, the idea of learning to listen doesn't sound very exciting, but believe me, learning this will enormously enhance your ability to communicate ideas. So please take a moment to — listen.

According to communications writer Eugene Raudsepp: "Studies show that only about 10 percent of us listen properly. Most of us don't know how to listen intelligently, systematically and purposefully." This means that, if you're like most people, your listening skills can quickly be improved — and if you do that, you'll have a powerful communication skill 90 percent of the population lacks.

Effective, active listening is definitely a skill, and it is a crucial skill to develop if you want to be a successful communicator of ideas. Like any skill, active listening can be learned, practiced, and improved, and the pay-off is huge.

The Greek philosopher Zeno of Citium said, "We have been given two ears and but a single mouth, in order that we may hear more and talk less." However, too many people act as if they have one mouth and NO ears! They seem not to care about the listener's concerns and opinions; only their own. Ever been in a conversation with someone like that? How did you feel? Were you interested in what they had to say — or did you want to run away?

If you want to be a successful communicator, you don't want to be like that speaker.

Effective communication has at least three parts: speaking, listening, and (through that exchange) achieving understanding. Note that listening isn't just a stopping point on the way to communication — listening IS communication!

Powerful listening is not passive. It's an active practice, as much as speaking is.

Here are the key principles:

First, before you start talking in depth about any ideas — stop! Stop and listen. Really listen to what the other person has to say. Don't just close your mouth and hold your breath while waiting impatiently for the other person to pause so you can jump in and unload your views. The other person can tell if you're really listening.

Instead, take a deep breath; exhale; relax; give your full attention. Don't let yourself be distracted by other things going on. If it's not a good time to listen, tell the speaker and set up another time.

Don't interrupt. Don't twitch. Don't look around the room or look at your watch. Rein in your urge to interrupt or to finish a speaker's sentences. Let your body language show interest by nodding, raising your eyebrows, leaning forward, catching their eyes when appropriate and so forth. Show you are supportive and friendly, and create a welcoming environment. Make sure the speaker has finished his thought before you speak. Patience! Make sure you understand the speaker's opinion, and if you don't, then ask him to clarify.

It is important to note that this isn't an act, and it's not just politeness. You want to be genuinely interested in his views because that's the only way you can understand his concerns, thoughts, and worldview. Understanding him is the best way for you, in turn, to help him understand you.

If you truly listen, listen actively and well, you will reap a wealth of benefits:

1. You put the other person at ease. He or she will feel more comfortable and accepted, and will thus be more receptive to your ideas. When you show respect for other people, they will be more likely to show respect for you.
    
2. You hear the other person's concerns, so that you can address them directly. This gives you an opportunity to build rapport — one of the greatest enhancers of communication. Your listener is far more likely to listen with an open mind to you in return.
    
3. You can find out misconceptions the other person may have about your ideas and nip them in the bud. Because you've truly listened, you will know how to address those misconceptions.

Active listening is an incredibly powerful skill, and it works just as effectively in business, politics, and personal relationships. People like a good speaker, but they LOVE a good listener!

Does this sound simple? Too obvious? Take the challenge — try it. You'll find that it's harder than it sounds and it works amazingly well.

Yours in success,

Sean Eric Armstrong
Kethyr's CAMEL Report

P.S. Please send your questions and comments to editor@kethyr.com.

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